stephenhebert’s Neighborhood

Well, here I sit. Christmas in the quaint cabin in the middle of the Smokey mountains. There are presents under one of the sadder trees I have seen. It isn't a tree, really, just some plastic molded into a two and a half foot tall solid white cousin It mass with a sad, reflective red butterfly on top. I haven't asked why there is a butterfly on top of a Christmas tree. I pretend it is justified by some Christ-like fluttering from the dead. Or something.

I am trying to decide my goals for this coming year. I want to narrow it down to three. Last year I went vegetarian, which I maintained happily and successfully (and learned to cook like woah along the way). All in all I ventured into meat maybe 10 times all year, 3 of which were for duck from the Chef's Table. So, totally understandable.

I am debating goals like 'putting my relationship first.' Because I want to, and I want to spend more time with the person who, ultimately, is my main priority in life. But then I put in my Spring class schedule on the calendar, and then my work schedule, then pencil out four blocks a week to (in theory) ride my horses. And then there is this sad little scattered gapping of unclaimed time, which in reality is meant to be spent studying, reading, and writing. This past semester I read over 100 books. When? And who am I kidding to think James can come first. The reality is my education does at this point and time, and that's that.

So, then I considered setting a goal for my education. I want to work on my writing (what's new?), and so was thinking of making myself write at least 300 words a day non-academic. This is where Vox comes in, I suppose. But then I think about how ultimately self-centered I used to find the whole blogging process, and how the good aspect (having others' feedback) also becomes this subversive force that changes not only what you write about, but how you write it. So maybe I should make a collection of files on my computer, or something....but then I remember the highlight of blogging: being held responsible to publicly show you are sticking to your goals. So there, I suppose this will be one of my three resolutions.

In all this angst (and truly, it is existential angst) over my writing and work this past semester I have committed, in my eyes, a cardinal mistake. Namely, indulging in my perfectionism. As Psychology Today so aptly put it, this an inherently selfish adventure as,"It is ultimately self-destructive to devote all one's psychic resources to oneself." A valid statement, and one to which I wholeheartedly agree to after emerging from a self-effacing and self-absorbed pit of despair over my own intellectual work over the past couple months. So, I think OK, let's do something for the community, or in a larger respect the world..or at the very least something obviously not originating from my head up my ass vision of the world. I remember meeting a really great family working with building an orphanage in Zimbabwe, so maybe I can donate $100 a month to them. Or in my local community there is a great organization working with the homeless. So them? Then my credit card bills start to loom in my face, but I won't cede because of it. I really need to spend some of this hard cash on something that pushes me at least once a month into a larger perspective. So this makes goal two.

What for the third? I wish I could write my friends more letters, spend more time with my dogs and horses, cook more, talk more to my loved ones, be more open, a million other things. But, in the end I remember that, despite the not perfect moments of the past year, I have laughed more and learned more than ever before; I have been more compassionate and more forgiving, of others and myself. And that, at the end of the day, is a damn good precedent for the coming year. 

So I still need to decide how this third resolution could be best spent, because I stick to these damn things like the stubborn person I am. I just need to foster more creativity in myself. I fell flat this past semester when I let my manic perfectionism blind my creativity and, most importantly, my voice. So how to avoid this? Being in Asheville makes me realize how much I miss places that inspire me. I need to find one near home. Somewhere that really inspires me. And I need to make a point of working there a few days a week. And I need to make sure and ride, even when shit gets wild. It clarifies my mind in ways nothing else can. So, let me think on the third and get back to you.

What are your goals?

I suppose I am due for an update. I turned 25 today, and spent all day working on my final paper of my first semester in graduate school. I worked all day on this with only a few hours of sleep, since some friends came over last night for a birthday slumber party that put down a ton of alcohol and more laughs, while the snow outside hit three feet.

i am finally done with this first semester, having read over 100 books and seemingly countless articles. I am looking forward to sleeping in, fiction, and having conversations with no purpose.

life is good. after i turned in my paper tonight james and i watched 'up' and i giggled a lot. the old man made me miss dad. second birthday without him, but hanging in alright.

i get to see my horses tomorrow, and i can't wait. every time i have seen them in over a month it has been to run out, check on them, and leave. i couldn't tell you the last time i rode. i hope to god it doesnt snow more because i want to get out to the barn tomorrow and enjoy life.

james and i are driving to asheville on tuesday to do christmas with mom and blake. i am really looking forward to it, we can never all get together.

i am tired. i wish i had more to say. i think (ironically) my major goal for next year will be to write more. While I cracked out over 150 pages for school this semester, i wrote barely one for myself. that should change.

miss you all and hope you are having wonderful holidays.

I guess there is no way around it. I suck at updating this thing. I wish I spent more time in self-reflection, but from the looks of it I never take a moment to record it all or ponder it all.

I have been terrible at updating this. I have spent the summers riding every morning and Finn has been doing great. At his first show he got the best dressage score I have ever gotten.

I went to Chicago for Lollapalooza. I stayed with xtiana and we enjoyed unhealthy food and sunshine. I got to see Gav and his girl that I actually really liked. Lots of sun, live music, and smiles. I loved Depeche Mode, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs! were the BEST show I have ever seen live, and I also adored Jane's Addiction. On my last day there we went to Warren Dunes state park in Michigan and laid on the beach for hours.

Happiness.

When I came home my lovely fiance surprised me with a huge bookcase in my (to that point) office full of rubbermaids with books and a desk. He also got me a lovely rug from West Elm.

Finn had been acting weird before I left town and I got him tested for lyme. It came back positive (but is treatable in horses) so I ended up getting a full physical done. One of his pasterns was bothering him in flexion so we pulled x-rays. He has a bone chip (it has been there for years apparently). So, a lot of tears later I have accepted he needs surgery on both front legs to remove the bone chip and reshape cartiledge.  He is getting surgery next week then will have 6 weeks of rehab. Financially it is a murderous series of events, but it is what it is and I will be fine. I can't wait to see how he is under saddle since he has been amazing and has apparently been in pain.

James surprised me that morning with this double sofa set we had been eyeing for the basement. I am so thrilled about it but felt bad I couldn't get appropriately excited because I was so shocked about Finn needing surgery.

I truly have the most amazing man in my life. He is so thoughtful and so supportive.

I loved seeing so many friends this summer and having a lovely summer in DC. The weather has been 75 in the mornings and 85 with a breeze in the day all summer. Unbelievable!

It is back to work now and I start school in two weeks. I have two people working for me full time this year instead of 8 working part time. Hopefully that means I can manage all the new client referrals (we have a waiting list!) while also being in school. Time will tell.

Hope everyone is doing alright. I promise to try to write more, especially since I can't ride out my stress for a while. Lots of good things in my life, and the not perfect things like Finn having surgery I am just going to deal with and keep my chin up.

Sunday - horse show at CDCTA

I have been really bad about updating my booklist, so I am just going to try to remember what I can.

Five Minds for the Future

Howard Gardner

I grabbed this book at a place in England. It is published out of the Kennedy Center at Harvard, and it makes the argument that the minds that are valuable for the future have little to do with memory or calculation. With the rise of computers the knowledge of facts becomes secondary to the ability to synthesize or analyze said facts. The author also argues that thinking ethically and creatively will be in higher demand in the years to come. Overall it was a fast and decent read.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Khaled Hosseini